Can still shake my booty

There is nothing like torching a few hundred calories than a Zumba class. I'm a big Zumba fan, but have not been to classes at the gym I joined in March. Heck, I haven't been to a Zumba class in months due to various pains and injuries. My husband looked at me hesitantly before I left and asked if I was sure I could do it. My response was "I can't keep being afraid."

Packed class. I have never seen so many people doing Zumba at one time. And it comes back to you. I had to freestyle it a few times just because my feet or knees were hurting. And when it was time to get in my car I had to help lift one of my legs in because that knee was done for the day.

It's a good feeling to bust through your fears with a side order of torching hundreds of calories and laughter.

Oh no ...she didn't! MAD MEN!

**spoiler , sort of**


Joan on Mad Men ..say it isn't so...it's not worth it.

And Peggy!

I feel dirty and used . Tonight was a game changer.

just rolling with it

Yesterday , after work I was stressed out or wired or something and when a walk didn't chill me out, I wanted popcorn. So I mixed up popcorn and a few peanuts and raisins. It wasn't reallly a binge , but it wasn't quite right. But with a full bottle of water I filled up and then ate a healthy dinner. But then another popcorn called me. 100 calorie popcorn, but still. I watched a lot of Tv, caught up on Game of Thrones and other various recorded shows. Very mellowed and the kitchen stayed closed.

Today-brand new day. All dressed up and ready to go to the Farmer's market..I had my cloth bag, recycled plastic bags, a ziplock bag of change and dollar bills. I have in mind Zuccini and Yellow Squash and Eggplant and maybe some peaches. It's my first time at the "country market" in my little town , and I get to the market. No farmers. No veggies. Just crafts. Not in the market for crafts. But I wish them all the best.

Down to the next , bigger farmer's market after a quick trip to Big lots. No farmers, no market. There is a pattern forming.
They are promising that the veggies will be ready soon and the market opens in June. I could have sworn they were open and selling veggies in May last year. Oh well, I'm not in the mood for shopping for stuff, so I park at the gym in the shade under a tree and journal a bit and then visit with a friend.

A wisdom I know is true: Don't ever skip trying activities because of your size or owies, just modify.

Yoga. I look forward to Yoga and I haven't been since the night I had the ruptured ovarian cyst. But today the knees were hurting and I did a lot of modifications. I have no problem with modifying because of my size and owies. So some of the time I lay on the floor in the dark and listened to the music and that was relaxing. But about halfway through the class I got hungry ..sort of this train of thought " What am I gonna have for lunch? Am I going to Walmart or not?I need gas. Quicktrip or Racetrack? Where can I get iced coffee with low fat milk? Do I still have credit on my Starbucks card? The low fat milk will be good protein to get me through the Walmart trip?..yea yea yea" Not exactly a meditative state of mind. Yoga is not meant to be this way.

So , that's it so far. Hoping your weekend is working out the way you want it to.

there's a reason I don't do picnics

We had a church picnic tonight- burgers and dogs and all the usual fixins. The food itself was classic picnic cookout stuff. No biggie. I had a small burger and just a plain dog and about 3 tortilla chips and a tablespoon each of baked beans and potatoe salad. There were no veggies (I knew I should have taken that, but we were late and took salsa and tortilla chips). We were late enough that the park's flies were in line ahead of us for the food, so I wasn't eating a lot.

Until we get to the other little table. This is where the drinks are and........the desserts. A bottle of water and I'm good. My challenge is there now. Homemade-from-scratch chocolate chip cookies. Argh. My kryptonite (that and raisin scones).

I enjoyed spending time talking with different people. I had several different conversations and enjoyed the company. But those damn , damn cookies. I would love to tell you I had none. Or just one or two. There were homeade cupcakes , store bought chocolate chip cookies and brownies. No biggie. Don't want those. But darn it , homemade chocolate chip cookies. Fail.

I've been skipping the big food related picnics for the last couple of years for a reason. Just avoiding that particular situation works best for me. Today, I even had pre-picnic, anxiety eating today prior to the picnic. Jitters. I wasn't hungry at all. I kept it healthy but it was unncessary-calorie-nervous intake. The first uncontrolled eating I've had in several weeks..bummer. It was a good streak.

I really want to be able to go to events and not get this way. I can think now of things I could have done -pre planning so that I didn't even consider going near that table. A review of my goals. Maybe even not going to the picnic at all once the anxiety eating happened. Focus on the situation, focus on the people. Believe me, that got me through most of the picnic. I know it could have been worse. I even wondered if anyone else was having the issues that I was having.

Fortunately, No picnic on the calendar for me this weekend. IF I grill out at home it'll be all good. Started over this minute.

Are you watching The Weight of the Nation?

I haven't seen much about this HBO documentary series amongst blog world chatter. Don't have HBO? It is free online, and
they have a nice handy website that breaks it down "watch, learn, take action".
http://theweightofthenation.hbo.com/
This is a joint project by HBO documentary films, the CDC, Kaiser permanente, the Institute of Medicine, National Institutes of Health and the Michael & Susan Dell Foundation and it considers this "our most urgent public health crisis".

On another site where I blog occasionally, I mentioned I was watching it and asked others about it? The first comment was "Is it political ? I don't like political?".

Well, Is it a political issue?. I have this filter that I really don't care to discuss political things anyway, but I can't stick my head in the sand entirely. Yea, it's kinda political. Government , of course , is going to come in to it. Who subsidizes farmers to grow corn and soybeans but not fresh veggies? Who pays for healthcare for the poor? Who pays for food stamps? Who sets standards for food and drug guidelines? Who sets guidelines for food lunch programs? Who does NOT regulate advertising and marketing of food to children? and Why? (see episode #3)

It is also a very public issue, and a very personal one. All you can do is take it all in and add it to what you already think or perhaps have it change you. I'll admit I had a thought about a certain dessert this weekend, but after watching the first two episodes what stopped those thoughts was something I remembered from segment 2.


How would it be relevant to you? I was a fat kid, and I was an obese teen. My obesity grew exponentially as I grew older. I am the classic example of a person within this "epidemic". It isn't that in all these years I didn't do anything about it. But to just look at me on the outside, I am still a failure. I personally have to do everything I can to be as healthy as I can be, because the environment we live in promotes obesity. And I felt stupid when I realized to what degree.

I found this informative, interesting, hopeful, depressing, and frustrating. I feel charged somehwat to be more involved. As a nurse, I hear about health care reform everyday and wait to see what the Supreme court decision will be. How will it affect me as a nurse or as a consumer? The health care reform issue is hardly mentioned in this documentary, but the message is very clear. This is a big deal , pun intended.


Simply, this is an overall documentary about the problem of obesity, how we get here , how we stay here, what we can do as individuals or as society to get out of it? It's how we might always fight obesity? Who is researching the problem? Who isn't and why would they?, when it serves them to keep us living this way? Interspersed are the personal stories of people with weight issues and health issues. Most touching is Vivia and the segments that follow obese children who have involved parents who are seeking solutions. And then you think of all of those parents that don't. So yeah, it's relevant. It's touching.


The Breakdown:

1st episode -Consequence"-- The science of fat and metabolism and being obese. Genetics. Lifestyle. Research. Health consequences, Warning: there are beefy looking human hearts examined to compare normal hearts to obese hearts. Scary. Then there is the statistical info . So much . I drifted off to sleep , but did rewatch it.

2nd episode-"Choices"--How people attack their own obesity, or don't, and the choices they make. The history and myths and research of weight loss, fat, dieting. Everything included from : Mindful eating, bariatric surgery, the stress connection, exercise, diet programs, The National Weight Registry, and a burn on the Biggest Loser show. Personal stories that made me cry. Some that made me laugh.

3rd episode-" Children in Crisis" --our future. statistics, food marketing to kids, too much televison, bullying. The fight? or non fight against childhood obesity, school lunch programs. They saved the big impact punch for this episode.

4th episode-"Challenges"--I haven't watched it yet.

The make me angry parts

Apple jacks are healthy! This was an intersting segment of how an Intra-agency working group worked to propose healthier standards to be set for the nutrition guidelines for advertising to children. Simple. Less sugar, salt , and fat. Currently,
there is no government regulation on what can be marketed as 'healthy' for kid food advertising. I watched this twice-The back and forth between those recommending healthier standards with the groups representing the food advertisers, the food makers,and the different members of congress who supported the various sides deserved a rewatch. Ridiculous.

Mixed messages. One of the programs that those who recommend the healthier standards of eating for children considers a success is The Healthy, Hunger-free Kids Act. This piece of legislature sets nutrition standards based on recommendations by the Institute of Nutrition, and it guides the recommendations for the USDA's guidelines for programs such as Wic and National Food Lunch Program. In other words, things like french fries as a potato is considered a veggie but is limited to being served only twice a week. Tomato paste on pizza is a veggie. (The pizza makers and potato growers got pissed.)


If you've read the books by David Kessler and Michael Pollan or followed the cancelled tv show of Jaime Oliver's US food revolution ,then this is right up your alley.

Sound bytes

"To win, we have to lose"

"half of obese teenage girls become severely obese by age 30"

"Soda and other sugary drinks are the #1 source of calories in our diet."

"Only 10% of parents seek medical help for their obese children"

"By knowing someone's zipcode you can predict their bmi?"

"Juice is just like soda...there is no difference"

"Childhood obesity rates have tripled over the last 3 decades"

"Eat less and move more"

"Diet industry has no reason to solve the problem . Solving the problem puts them out of business"

"I cringe when I see the Biggest Loser-it can actually do a dis-service...." said by weight management researcher.

"I'm sick and tired"

"How did I become what I am"

"What can I do?"

"Have mercy!"


Watch or don't watch . It's up to you.

Drive thru sweet potatos

So my husband wanted a Wendyburger and I had a little Publix shopping to do (they have arugala/rocket!), so I swung by Wendys on the way home. He wanted a burger and a plain baked potato. I'd heard rumors of sweet potatos at Wendys, but it could have been a dream. I have strange dreams.

Who knew ? Wendys now has Baked sweet potatos, mac and cheese, and chili cheese fries. I'm not likely to ever have the mac and cheese or the chili cheese fries, but I 'love me some taters'. ( I kind of like saying that about the chili cheese fries because I know the line is drawn in the sand and I really won't ever get them. these are a weakness )

But back to sweet orange potato goodness, if you don't junk the potato up with too much butter or brown sugar cinnamon ooze it is pretty healthy and full of fiber and b carotene (or something like that Dr Oz says is good for us). Driving home with a fresh, wonderful smelling burger in the car is not good.

As I am a carb eater, I'd gotten a sweet potato and planned to eat half. Mmmmmmm. I ate the cinnamon buttery ooze stuff. I would have been better off using my un-natural chemical butter spray with truvia and ground cinnamon from a calorie perspective. Not to mention sweet potatos are around 99 cents a pound. Yea, I could have bought 2 or 3 sweet potatos at Publix.

Half way through the potato I stopped and asked my husband to go to the Wendy's website and check the calories on this ooze/potato combo. 380 calories. nom nom nom nom .... yum. I mean ouch!

my recommendation is take the slower food route and just bake them yourselves.

NO PHOTO FOOD PORN on purpose.

Mo' Betta and profoundly affected

April flowers



First, Thank you all for your support and concern about my health concerns and fears in my recent posts. I couldn't even call my sister at Mother's day because I couldn't tell her they were working me up for an ovarian issue. I knew I would spill my guts and that she would completely freak out if she knew I was waiting on CA 125 results. She has lost too many people close to her with cancer, and her fiance' has cancer and just had a bone marrow transplant. She can't handle one more thing right now, so it was nice to have support from the blog world and my husband and immediate friends.

Now that I've talked with the doc and I have a plan I will share my latest and greatest health update ( with my sister too). My Ca 125 test for Ovarian Cancer was normal but the doctor , the lab, and the internet were quick to tell me that this is not really an indicator for / or against having cancer. Yippee?

But with my other sister passing from Ovarian Cancer so young and so many female members of the family having breast cancer, I am going to have genetic testing -BRCA tests. I have a repeat ultrasound in 3 weeks and we will go from there. My biggest cyst of the four is the size of a big grape and is what she calls a "simple cyst". She was telling me the other sizes and all I could think of was the little gold "ADD A BEAD" necklaces from the 80's.

My insurance will cover and my gyn could remove my ovaries prophylactically just based on the history and the cysts even without these results, so I will go in to pondering mode (wait and think). I'd rather make the decision armed with knowledge and thoughtfulness. Meanwhile, all my other crazy symptoms including bizarre sexual overdrive on occasion (not fun, believe it or not, when you are in a conference call) is perimenopause related and I can consider taking a low, low dose hormone to balance out my ovaries.

THE PROFOUND STUFF

Facing health problems and random severe pain that will bring you to your knees can lead a girl to some major changing of behavior. Besides scaring the hell out of me, driving me to drinking Bailey's in my coffee when I shouldn't be, and morbid thoughts on who I would leave my books to, this has kicked me in the arse. And all these platitudes are ringing in my head.

Things like:

" A place of YES" as Bethanny Frankel would say.

"Life is good. " "carpe diem" " Turning it over "

" Okay ,let's do it. All of it." "Have faith" (actually , this one is KEY)



" Git er' done!!!" about everything and with peace and assurance

( I promise I am not a redneck but I do come from Alabama and I can't say the same for ALL of my kinfolk)

And I 've gotten off my arse too since I can't go to the gym. I volunteered at a 5K and directed traffic. Scary. I've organized and cleaned up my office, my hair accessories, my jewelery, re-arranged some furniture and my desk and how I do a process at work,etc etc. Also, How I wanted to arrange my photos on the wall is finally coming in to my vision after a year or so of stuff collecting dusts in boxes.

My eating has been 100% spot on as in healthy, good for me, guilt free, "on plan", whatever whatever. Not a binge , not overeating, not deprivation and not an 'anything' blip on the food radar. I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full, Exercise has been gentle and loving and hasn't raised a bead of sweat. I miss the pool and Aqua fit classes. When I'm done with the antibiotics for my UTI, I'm heading to the pool. Maybe Saturday . I'm not pain free, but I can live with it for now. I've got to be proactive against getting uti's.

I am a procrastinator in the first order, but I think all of this organizational "nesting" was the one thing I could do that I could control. It is something I could feel good about, and that reflected my girly side which was now being threatened by invader cysts.

The other positives of this are that I had a really complete ultrasound of my abdominal and pelvic organs and everything is normal except for those cysts. My labs are perfect. I can be proactive versus completely reactive if I need to have surgery.

I am not usually Miss Sunshine but just talking with my doc and coming up with a plan is a relief. ( my nickname in high school was "Doomie: the voice of Doom")

(I had issues then too, but that's another story)

Female trouble and more than just a number on the scale

Health issue continues. Diagnosis: "Female troubles". Still waiting for the final diagnosis from the doc ( aka let's fully rule out ovarian cancer). The prelim diagnosis is multiple ovarian cysts on one ovary and one cyst on the other, a recently ruptured cyst, and a urinary tract infection. That would explain me nearly jumping off the table during the ultrasound and the post traumatic stress shivers about that pain I had afterward. (I didn't turn to food- I had coffee with a shot of Baileys.)

Since my half sister passed from ovarian cancer at age 40 this is a concern. I think I need to be thinking about removing those ovaries. Much to think about and research to do. I may be a nurse, but I'm a virgin to hospital stays and surgery. We nurses are bad patients and we know too much and self diagnose ourselves with everything from A to Z. I will be talking to docs and getting the rest of the labs this week.

Meanwhile, I'm still feeling funky though better but not back to normal. The cyst rupture probably happened after my yoga class last week. I feel so peaceful and strong at yoga and I still want to go Sunday? Do I? I don't know. But I know I'm going to the hospital if I have that bad pain again. I'm stronger than I think.

What does this all do to a girl's weightloss goals and healthy living fixation? What does it really mean in the end? The blogging, food journaling, food plans, the working out, everything. Do you think "hey, if its cancer do I just eat what I want?" or "Do I still try to lose weight?" or "If I have surgery will I lose weight?" This may seem ridiculous , but the thoughts crossed my mind. A lot of thoughts crossed my mind, and I just wait patiently and wait to see what I need to do.

The answer for me, the answer to all those questions is "Just keep doing what I need to do to be healthy and feel good about myself." Keep keeping on. That means, I keep food journaling and eating healthy. It means not beating myself up over an extra 200 calories. It means eating what I know is the best thing for my body that will make me feel good and is not more energy to take in versus what I can put out. Exercise is tricky. I'm walking and stretching , but probably need to step up some weight resistance. I'm holding off on the more intense stuff. This is also necessary or the aches and pains will start.

I remember my sister having a photo taken on a vacation after she had lost weight after her first chemo and saying she really liked the way she looked for the first time. She was happy that she was finally her 'ideal body weight.' How do you question someone who is going through that? Those were her feelings and she was happy about it. Lemons to lemonade thinking. But I always feel sad when I remember that. Sad that for both my sister and for all women who face illness and life and death issues, that body weight and body image are still at the forefront of our minds. This makes me want to take care of myself even more.

And the bigger picture of this is that my life is more than body image and my weight and what I can and can't and should and shouldn't eat. I know this. Waking up.

Part 2 in the Garden of the good and not so good

( I love these variations on the Keep Calm And Carry On motto



Gall bladder? hmmm maybe? maybe something more omnious. I am a positive thinker--it's not the ominous stuff.

I had an ok day Monday, but yesterday was slightly similar to Sunday night. I was thinking a urinary tract infection, so caved and went to the doctor. I wasn't ready to stand on their scale...and........I've lost almost a 1/2 inch in height. Damn. I'll be a leprechaun soon. Bmi gets higher.

Anyway, the doc is thinking gallbladder but is concerned since I have a half sister who passed from Ovarian cancer. We agreed some of my weird symptoms are hormones / perimenopause. In talking with the doc I realized that of my mother and sisters and I , I am the only one going through the menopause process. I've never had children and they all had hysterectomies while in their 30's, so I'm' the odd girl out.

Uncharted territory . Going for full ultrasound this afternoon. I'm nothing by mouth after 7 am this morning. This girl had to have her brekkie and I don't think I could have made it that long.


I'm still thinking hoping it's just gas.

Midnight in the Garden Of Good and (Not so good)

I bet you thought this was going to be a post about a midnight kitchen raid for something yummalicious. Not hardly . This is a "Do As I Say, Not Do As I Do" post about a Gastrointestinal nightmare.

Sunday -midnight. Pj geek and her husband are out walking in the moonlight, we spy a bunny, we see the Supermoon hiding behind clouds with heat lightning striking off in the distance. Romantic. Quiet. Peaceful.
Rrright.
Sunday I was hit with acute and somewhat severe belly pain, and we were trying to walk to get me to pass some damn gas. Anything to avoid going to the emergency room and being told .."You just have gas".
It didn't work by the way.

How did I get here?

On Saturday, We'd had a tense and weird conversation with his dad and a friend and then had a little spat on the way home. Silence. My irritible bowel syndrome hits when I' holding in stuff and my bowels 'lock it up' . I suffer in tight belly silence. Owie.

By Sunday all was well, but there was a little of what I call "gallbladder pain" in my right upper abdomen after lunch. No biggie. I'm feeling good the rest of the day and at Yoga I notice how tight my belly is again. I'm thinking silently to myself through the poses " please don't let me pass gas, please don't let me pass gas, etc , etc
.Someone ELSE passes gas at a very quiet moment. whew! Wasn't me!!

Then after a very healthy and tasty dinner severe sudden acute abdominal and pelvic pain hits. Wow. My husband knew it was bad because I said "NO!" to my planned dessert and could have cared less about watching MAD MEN or GAME OF THRONES when they came on. I walked around holding my belly like a sumo wrestler or tossed and turned in bed. Sweet hubby was very attentive.

Now, I'm a nurse and have been one more than half my life and believe me, nurses make bad patients. I think that this is probably JUST GAS , irritible bowel syndrome, or possbily even a result of too many abdominal exercises in the pool this weekend. But the other possiblities are there in the back of my mind: appendicitis, ruptured appendix with peritonitis spreading, gallbladder, ovarian something, bladder infection something, or the freakish 'i was pregnant and didn't know it' scenario. The fact that I'm in perimenopause and everyday is a new physical symptom adventure also comes to mind. I didn't do the smart thing --GO to ER or even this CALL a nurse hotline from my insurance even though I'm a nurse ( they would have surely said go to the ER. ) I took gas X and Omperazole (for acid). I couldn't lie down or sit. I dressed once and was ready to committ to an ER visit but then changed my mind.

After all that I finally slept with SEVERAL intermittant pee breaks (urinary something?) and today -so far so good...

Moral of the story: go to the doctor , don't do as I did. This could be serious stuff. If I'd had nausea or vomiting or fever or felt dizzy or any other symptom, I would have gone

What I did on my vacation ..and where and how and why

(long post with photos..a lot of thoughts on food / weight / body image stuff have come up with this trip and there may be a part two coming on this post.)

I'm baack but still vacationing at home....and loving every moment. What a contrast with the vacation of last year. Last year we went to Hilton Head for the first time and were either ignored because we obviously didn't have big money or were accosted by people running across parking lots trying to sell us vacation trips or boat rides or tours. The beach was covered with jelly fish and our room was moldy. We left early, less than 24 hours after we arrived. Happily. When I returned home there was a phone call about a lifelong friend's mother passing and a request that we come to the funeral. So we were extra ok with escaping from that vacation.

This year, we hoped for a smoother vacation . So for half the budget, we went to coastal Georgia-St Marys, Cumberland Island, and the Okeefeenokee Swamp Park. Much better. Most of the people we encountered were genuine , nice, and laid back. This is up there in the top 4 best vacations we've had. Not bad for our 14th Wedding anniversary trip / vacation.

(the star of our trip-Stubbs our Nissan Cube's first big vacation trip -he averaged 32.5 mpg)

St. Mary's, Georgia

my favorite


Cumberland Island -This is a special place

So special that we are planning a camping trip (our first together ) for the fall on Cumberland Island-(when there are less bugs). Cumberland is a national seashore and 'America's largest wilderness island'. The island has salt marshes, a river coastline, maritime forests of moss draped oak trees and resurrection ferns, and miles of coastline along the Atlantic ocean. Wildlife is supposedly abundant, but we saw a limited variety - wild horses, lizards, bugs, crabs, and birds. And that was still spectacular.

ferry ride view

This was a very physically challengeing day and we were completley exhausted afterward. Constant calorie burn. We've biked on sandy trails on our own bikes before-my beloved easy to ride bike 'Flo". But these were sandier trails with rented cruiser bikes with foot brakes. I didn't fare well-no less than 4 complete wipe out wrecks in the sand and some very near misses. The rangers prep you before you arrive on the island that you can take shells and rocks only from the island , but are not to take or harm wildlife. Oops...I took out a small bush with one of my bike crashes. I was very lucky-just a few bruises and one very sore big toe. I was also still a little dehydrated despite all the water we packed in with us. One of the guides told us to expect a 4 hour roundtrip trip to the north part of the island. Yeah, that didn't work. We biked for 2 hours plus and then went to the beach and got sunburned. Then I had a lovely nap under the oak trees before tackling the southern part of the island where the ruins and more of the horses are. We could have just spent the whole day on this part of the island, and that is why we want to go back for a longer camping trip.

Me between wrecks #3 and 4. Yes that back pack was a heavy beyatch.

Wild Cumberland Island Horses and the Ruins

white baby horse "Unicorn" and his mama grazing at the Ruins. this little guy whined and whinnied and stomped his feet in a big fit because mama had to be on that higher level for grazing that he couldn't get to.

I love horses and realized that one of my memories of my happiest moments was riding a horse. That is again a new goal for me. Sure I could get on a horse now and ride. But I want to do it with less pain and more ease.


We chilled our second day and recuperated and just shopped a little, had a Subway picnic lunch, went swimming , and ate out at a marsh side restaurant, and then to see a movie "Cabin in the Woods" (weird). Lovely romantic day.

Final day and on the way home , we visited the Okeefeenokee Swamp Park. I would never , ever recommend this for the summer months. Heat and bug wise, it was tough enough for us in May. I touched a baby alligator, was stalked by a male adolescent gator, climbed a tower, and enjoyed a boat ride and a train ride. But I loved it. Fun. The pictures don't do it justice.

photo is deceiving, these are huge 900+ lb muthas

my stalker. Aaron. I was ready to jump on top of a picnic table if he came bloser to me. He came up closer to my husband later. Doesn't look so big , but he's a 400 lb guy.

4 month old, hand-fed orphan "Harley". Our boat guide has such a soft heart for the gators in this park and is their champion and caretaker. Meeting him made a huge impression on us.

one of the smaller dragonflies-about a 2 inch wingspan

And then home. staycation time.

Vacation and time away from routine brings up the "who am I and what am I doing?" questions. And not always liking the answers. I'm not sure if others experience this , but whether I want it or not, it happens. I know it's the breaking away from the daily grind of life and experiencing the world and nature that does this.

Ultimately, I will recognize the reality of all that I have and what and who are waiting at home for me. Today, I'm happy with this and motivated even more to feel really good and move my body well and often. Time to stop blogging and start working on this.

I'm just taking a few days off work and it becomes a big existential experience.